Kevin comes to see Dylan and Sheila
In this episode, psychiatrist, and part time media maven, Dr. Kevin Auschlander, a Boston native (via the late series, St. Elsewhere, which was also set in Boston), comes to visit his two oldest school friends, Dylan and Sheila. Needless to say, their reunion is a noisy but nice one! However, he ends up getting a taste of the troublemaking Jennifer Barrett as she once again comes along to aggravate the Harpers, but he shows that he will not be intimidated by the troublesome ex-model. Scene Dylan's townhouse. It is a cold and frosty January morning. The kids have gone back to school, and the usual rounds of the post Christmas social season has finally died down, which finally has things back to the normal routine of things for the Harpers and friends. While Amelia is quietly taking care of cleaning the study, Dylan and Sheila are looking over some paperwork from the company that Joanne had brought them yesterday. SHEILA: Wow! This is quite a hefty expenditure. Where did London seem to think the money was going to come from? DYLAN: Not sure, Sis. Martin called us a week ago, you know. And he was beefing and berating the lack of competence there. I knew it was bad then, but it was even worse now! I fear heads are going to be rolling. SHEILA: I think you're right, Dyl. I talked with Sydney, yesterday. She's flying to London and she's going to lay the smack down to everyone. She left for there this morning. I know she will sort it all out. DYLAN (sensing the awkwardness): Oh my goodness, I hope it isn't awkward for her and Mom. SHEILA: I hope not either, Dyl. I am sure it won't happen. If there is one thing Sydney has, it is professionalism. I WILL say it will be difficult, though. (The doorbell rings. Bryan, the family's manservant, goes to the door.) BRYAN: Sir, Madame, someone here to see you. SHEILA: Who is it, Bryan? (A young man with wildly colored hair, and a zany grin, comes into the room.) MAN: Hi there, folk! Surprised to see me, you two? (The twins are awestruck. They immediately recognize him.) DYLAN (pleased): Kevin! SHEILA: Oh my goodness, Dr. Kevin Auschlander! Get over here, you crazy nut! Where have you been?! (The three have a joyful and quite noisy reunion. Kevin hugs his two best friends tightly. Bryan is amused.) BRYAN (grinning): I think it is safe to say that you two know him. DYLAN: Yep, we do, Bry! He is only one of our closest friends in the world. When we were at Harper Academy, the three of us hung out a lot. SHEILA: He lived on school grounds during the year, and he often came to the mansion after classes were over. He has kind of family status. The three of us grew up together and we've been close since we were in kindergarten. His late father, Dr. Daniel Auschlander, was a doctor at St. Eligius Hospital, down on the South End. Grandmother and Grandfather Harper knew him very well. BRYAN: Sounds good, you two. Is there anything you need? Drinks, anything to eat? DYLAN: Oh yes, Bryan. Drinks. Some soda. BRYAN (smiling): All right, sir. I will bring it in immediately. Great to see you again, Dr. Auschlander. KEVIN: Wow, a butler! I knew you guys had one when you lived at the estate, but here? DYLAN: Yeah, good old Mitchell. I am glad you remembered him. He served the family well for many years. (Bryan quietly serves everyone some soda. He then leaves out of the den) KEVIN: What ever happened to him? DYLAN: He retired not long after Sheila and I went to college and before the estate was sold to the academy. Bryan was someone who has been a part of our family, for many years. Amelia too. She was my nanny when I was a baby; and Bryan was my valet, he took care of me when I was a kid. You always wondered who that guy was who helped me dress? That was Bryan. Y'know, it's weird, thinking back about our childhood. It seems so long ago, now that I have kids of my own. KEVIN: It is hard to believe that you two have kids now. DYLAN: Yep. They are teenagers now. KEVIN: My gosh. How are they? SHEILA: They are doing wonderfully. Ashley is involved in Speech and Debate. She loves it. Ashley's our resident feminist. Derek is involved in working for the school newspaper and also works some at the Boston Globe with his cousin, Courtney Sue. Besides that, he also has an affinity for the legal profession, to Dylan's surprise; my daughter, Cathy is still involved in ballet. She loves to dance. KEVIN: That is wonderful, everyone. (Enter Amelia. She is nervous.) SHEILA: What is wrong, Amelia? AMELIA (Dylan and Sheila's long-time housekeeper): There is someone outside of the house. She was ordered to leave, but she would not listen to anyone. SHEILA: Did she say her name? AMELIA: No, she said she didn't have to tell her name! DYLAN (there is only one person who would behave thusly): Oh, good grief! That Jennifer will not listen to anyone! KEVIN: Who? SHEILA: Jennifer Barrett. She is a washed-up former model who is a nasty piece of work. KEVIN: As a psychiatrist, I would be challenged by dealing with her brain, but as a person, she seems like the worst kind of narcissist! DYLAN: Oh, she is narcissistic all right. She thinks that everyone has to bow down and worship her. KEVIN: She definitely is a narcissist! Plus she is batshit crazy too! (Dylan and Sheila laugh.) DYLAN: Well, let's go and confront the bitch! (Just then, Ashley and Derek come in.) SHEILA: Kids, what are you doing here? What is going on? DEREK: School let us out early due to the cold. Cathy also wasn't feeling well, so they had us bring her home. SHEILA: Oh, no! I'll call Allen and see if he can come home to take care of her. DYLAN: No, sis. I'll call him. I saw Sammy and the others coming too. Anyssa told me that they let them out early due to the cold. Fortunately, I had the car go and get them. (Outside a screaming Jennifer is getting enraged.) JENNIFER: I demand you idiots come out and worship me! (A seething Dylan and Sheila storm out with Kevin and the twins along with them.) DYLAN (in a cold icy voice, as icy as the weather was): You were told to leave us alone, Jennifer! You were ordered to leave this family alone! Above all, you were told NOT to set foot on our property! You obviously don't listen! JENNIFER (dismissively): I don't have to listen to you Harpers! I am better than you! SHEILA: No, you are not! You are less than human to me! JENNIFER: Oh, listen to you, you stuck up bitch! KEVIN: She is one of my best friends, and I will not let you talk about her that way! JENNIFER: Oh, really? And what are you going to do to stop me, if I don't, you piece of trash? KEVIN: This! (He produces a pie and hits Jennifer square in the face! Everyone bursts out into raucous laughter!) JENNIFER (exploding in rage): YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT, DAMN YOU! NOBODY HITS MY BEAUTIFUL CHERUBIC FACE WITH A PIE! AND IT WAS A COMMON CHOCOLATE PIE! IT WASN'T EVEN MADE FROM GODIVA CHOCOLATE! (Everyone is appalled at Jennifer's total arrogance and snobbery) DEREK: Oh, please! You are THAT stuck up that you cannot stand it that you were hit with common chocolate?! God, you disgust me! JENNIFER: You shut up and speak when you are spoken to! DEREK: Why you.....! ASHLEY: Don't, Derek. It won't be worth it, honey. Besides, she is a woman. DEREK: She can't be allowed to get away with it. ASHLEY: She won't, bro. I promise you that. (Ashley storms over to her, and kicks Jennifer hard in the shin.) JENNIFER: You little bitch! HOW DARE YOU KICK ME IN THE SHIN?! ASHLEY (acidly): Derek can't hit you, you ugly woman, but I CAN! KEVIN: Oh, I am sorry, MISS Barrett. How utterly wrong of me to hit you with a common chocolate pie! What I should hit you with is a MUD pie! (He proceeds to get a mud pie and hits her squarely in the face with it!) JENNIFER (screaming in fury): I am not going to stand here and be made a fool of! SHEILA (acidly): Then get the hell off this property and out of this neighborhood. If you ever are caught around here, you will be arrested immediately! JENNIFER: Screw you! SHEILA: Ash, darling, if you would, please? ASHLEY (grinning): Got you, Aunt Sheila. (Ashley once again kicks Jennifer in the shin.) JENNIFER (angrily): Damn it! I will make you pay for this! I'll break you in half! DYLAN (protective of Ashley): You will NOT lay one finger on my daughter! She had every right to kick you in the shins, you stupid bitch! JENNIFER: You lot are supposed to worship me! (Sheila is finally sick and tired of Jennifer's narcissism. She rears back and knocks Jennifer to the ground!) SHEILA: Now, I am not going to tell you again! You get the HELL out of this neighborhood and don't you ever DARE to darken our doorstep again! NOW, GET TO STEPPING! And don't you ever DARE to show up on this property! JENNIFER: You cannot stop me, I can go anywhere I want! DEREK: You were banned from Cheers, that should say something! JENNIFER: Shut up, you faggot! (Derek is speechless. His eyes fill with tears. The family is enraged as Jennifer smiles smugly!) ASHLEY: You stupid SLUT! APOLOGIZE to my brother! JENNIFER: No! SHEILA: Damn it, bitch! You apologize to my nephew! JENNIFER: I don't have to do a damned thing! DYLAN (in the haughty voice he uses against people he doesn't like): Either you apologize to my son, or I will call the police and have you arrested for trespassing! AGAIN! JENNIFER: I don't have to apologize for ANYTHING I say or do! I am Jennifer Barrett, damn it! I can do ANYTHING I want to do! (Just then, Sammy Forson, having heard the commotion, runs over to his cousin's side. He is comforting him.) SAMMY: I'll take him to my house. Is that all right, Uncle Dylan? DYLAN: That is fine, Sammy. I'll call Anyssa, and maybe it would be fine if Derek and Ashley can have dinner at your house? SAMMY: Sure. Mom will be all right with it. She'll be glad for them to come over. (Sammy leads Derek and Ashley over to his house.) SHEILA: Now, you listen to me, you evil woman, get out of this neighborhood and get away from this family, or I will have you locked up! (Jennifer furiously storms off, her mink coat swishing. She whips a glare at the family) JENNIFER: I will win! Count on it! DYLAN: No, you will not! KEVIN: Dylan is right, you will be the loser! (All of a sudden, an ambulance shows up. Jennifer is grabbed by two orderlies, and she is stripped of her mink coat.) JENNIFER: Get your hands off of me. ORDERLY #1: What hospital, Dr. Auschlander? KEVIN: St. Eligius! Have her taken to the psychiatric department there. ORDERLY #2: Right away. (The ambulance drives away, with a straitjacketed Jennifer screaming. Dylan and Sheila are thunderstruck!) SHEILA: IMPRESSIVE! DYLAN: You saved the day, buddy! KEVIN (winking): I would do anything for my two best friends. Two people who mean more to me than anything else. (The three go back in the house, arm in arm, their friendship solidified. The scene fades.) Category:Episodes Category:Episodes featuring Dylan and Sheila Category:Hall of Fame Episodes Category:Episodes featuring Aaron and Aidan Atherton